[personal profile] reinaness
Sooo Ok
I won't try to bridge 5 years of gap in my journal. I don't even know why I want to post here again, but it just felt like time to do a bigger dump than what I can do on the dreaded facebook.

Right now, I have no place to put all of my brain things and things I have learned and want to discuss. I have started trying to poke around to new people and go do different social activities. I need to always be intellectually challenged to be happy. Since I have been doing this some things surface, some things heal, some things unravel, and as you present yourself to new people your identity changes. Just in case you were wondering, there are still lots of cool people in Austin.

Flipside is coming and if you go back to my journal from 2010 I still feel the exact same way " Flipside has become involuntary and a burden I cannot bear. It's even more frustrating when I state this boundary and say I don't want to go anymore I don't get much support. I DON"T WANT TO GO ANY MORE! I don't need your permission. I don't need people to just say "oh you will be back" and  " just take a break". I took a break last year and I did not miss it. This year I barely cared about the burn. I was completely divested from the event as a whole. I need a different kind of vacation that doesn't take so much out of me. I need to be done and for that to be ok. It's not just a party I can show up to or not. It is a life I am moving on from and a person I don't want to be anymore.

I will find a different way to party with you guys and make art and dance and have rambling conversations. I want to take the things I love and do them in another way with a different focus. I will find a way. And it will be fantastic."

 I still feel misunderstood and unsupported. But Carlos has come to peace with me not wanting to go anymore. He is taking Sofia and it will be a different experience. I just want to do SOMETHING ELSE! I hear it a lot from other people as well, but I haven't come up with an option that is compelling enough to get critical mass. My restlessness and frustration may eventually lead to something better, but it is important that I come at it with creative enthusiasm instead of all the wounds from "breaking up" with Flipside. If anything I am tired of having to defend how I feel about it. I feel how I feel, whether I like it or not.

This last year I went for a purpose. While we celebrated the 10-year anniversary of ISH, I felt like I had to forgive myself for ending it and Burning it down, I saw how much people were still grieving, each for their own reasons. I felt how angry I still was when I looked at pictures of me with 2 babies and a full-time job putting so much into something that everyone wanted to continue, but no one wanted to do the work. The oppression of expectation and the grief and the guilt and the waiting for me to lead on to the next thing were still there. Much of this is in my own head, but when people ask me to come back and make something else, they have no idea what they are asking of me. But I tried one more time. There were other big factors, but I ended up having a shitty time and Carlos was finally convinced for real that I didn't want to go and he didn't want to go with me. It only took 4 years. Finally.

I discovered it's not about Burning Man culture as a whole since I went in 2014 and had a fabulous time and it was what I needed for myself, my relationship, and the community of people I went with. Carlos and I found a way to share a burn together and heal the last 4 years. Searching for what I would write on the temple I thought of every loss or change or gratitude I could think of and all I could say is "This is my church". Despite the size, It still a holy and magical place.

I read an article by Adrian in the BRC Weekly while I was there that helped me find words. I am a "post-jaded burner". I can still embrace Burning Man culture while letting go of what it is not and what other things I need to do to feel complete. When I was 19 I gave myself completely to the culture which was the answer to my rejection of my fucked up childhood. Like so many Burners, I felt home and a freedom that was deep and sacred. I dragged a lot of you with me :) But now almost 20 years later, I need to interact with the world as a whole and travel and find other fulfilling things. Burning Man can be part of that, but not displace it. I have gotten to see London and Rome and Berlin and Brazil and Honduras and Paris and I have a whole lot more to go. I am more than a Burner and so are all of you. Unlike in 2010, I no longer feel like I am sacrificing other things are trading experiences so I can go to Flipside.

Maybe I have enough room and have grieved enough to make something with y'all. Maybe everyone is busy and that life is over. Maybe all y'all have room for is to just go to Flipside and not do a whole lot. Maybe raising our kids together is the meaning we can make right now. Maybe I am the only one who is done. Maybe we can re-imagine ways to interact and find meaning. All I know is, I can't do it by myself.
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May 2015


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