Abortion

Jun. 2nd, 2009 02:21 pm
[personal profile] reinaness
The Dr. Tiller shooting has brought the conversation about abortion up in the news and I feel I have to write something about it.

Weather we make it leagal and safe or not, Abortion exists because:
not every pregnancy is viable
not every fetus is healthy
not every sexual experience is consensual
not everyone believes the same way
not every mother is healthy
not every father is willing
not every family is supportive
not everyone has the resources to raise a child
not every pregnancy is detected early enough
not every method of birth control works all the time
not every human being is perfect

Abortion happens when Life is messy, imperfect, confusing, terrifying, and heartbreaking as Life tends to be. Abortion is not the goal, it is what happens when things get broken and unpredictable. It happens when actual Life in all its constant desire to continue itself collides with our idea of Life as something we can plan and legislate. Abortion would not exist in a perfect world, it exists because this world and the people in it are imperfect.

While there are many situations that having an abortion would be the wrong choice for me in my own world view there are just as many where having one would be the less wrong choice than the other options. Most people never want to be in that position (and about half the people on the planet never have to be, although their voice does matter, they are not really in the position of being forced to carry a child). I could never make that choice for anyone else, nor would I want that choice made for me. But it is a situation to avoid all the same.

I have had a history of birth control failier on every form of birth control available in the US.  All of these were with long term relationships. This has resulted in 2 surgical abortions and 2 medical abortions 2 miscarriages 1 live birth and a current pregnancy. Seven unintended pregnancies. One of the surgical abortions was performed to prevent hemmoraging during a miscarriage. The same procedure was almost necessary afer I gave birth to Sofia. Outlawing the dialation and cauterization procedure ( surgical abortion in the early stage of pregnancy) could have killed me twice as I would have bled to death. All but one of these pregnancies happened when I was married so abstinance was not an option for me.

I had one "traditional" abortion experience of the young poor unmarried teanager. My highschool boyfriend and I got pregnant on a chior trip about a month before graduation from high school. I was on the pill and taking it regulary as I had been since I was 13. We had been together for 2 years. He bailed when he found out. His family was very loving and super Christian  and pro-life but they were unsuportive of the pregnancy ironically. My father had told me that he would kick me out if I came home. I had no job or money and the pregnancy was making me very very ill and I couldn't  go to class.  They had a moth waiting period  fro the abortion and there were protestors and the procedure was intense and then they put me on Depoprovera which made me super depressed. I was able to graduate high school and was planning on going to UH in the fall.  I moved in with my friend Shannen and borrowed the money for the abortion from her  Mom and worked it off over the summer. Then I got my first job  for $4.75/ hour and started college at UH witha full acholarship and stupidly went back to my boyfriend like nothing had happened. But I never respected him again and soon enough we broke up for real. He and I haven't seem each other since then.

I can see how someone would make a different choice in this situation.  This is the situation where if I was brave enough and willing to go through enough hardship without any support I could have not chosen abortion and would have a15 year old today. But it would have sucked for me and the life I could have given that child would have sucked, my boyfriend was a coward who would have made a shitty teenaged father and the cost to society for my choice to keep that child is huge. But people make that choice everyday and I am glad that they have the choice to do it. I do not regret that choice, I am not traumatized. It was the right thing to do for me. It was the least painfull of all the babies I  have lost. The lost of trust in the world that had abandoned me was far worse than the loss of the baby.

My current pregnancy was a totally different thing. My IUD failed. I was planning on removing it in 6 months anyway but the shock of having yet another unintended pregnancy took a toll on me. I do not feel like I have a real choice abut weather I get pregnant if I have sex. Preventing conception is impossible for me without surgical sterilizaton. This is not the position that most people are in since birth control works for them, but it is the position I am in. Leaving the IUD in would mean a higher risk pregnancy with a higher chance of miscarrige for the whole time. Taking it our would increase the risk of early miscarriege but the rest of the pregnancy would be normal. Many gynecologist will not remove the IUD because they consider removing and IUD with a conception a medical abortion. Trying to find good medical information about this was difficult since its "not supposed to happen" and "I guess it was meant to be'  does not count as science in my book. We finaly got an ultrasound and were able to determine tha postion of the baby realtive to the IUD and felt safe enough removing it knowing that we were still risking miscarriage but decreasing the overall risks of complication. It was the right choice it was our choice and it wasnot a choice that should be made by anyone else.

Because I am now happily married with a stable life i couldn't  in good concience make the choice to terminate a viable pregnancy. But I was on medication that I was told can cause severe birth defects at the time I got pregnant. I would not know if these were present untill the 18 week ultrasound. That is in the middle of second trimester well past when most abortions can be performed in Texas. If I had had a diagnosis of a severe neural tube defect that was not compatible with Life I would have been forced to carry a baby that I knew was going to die to term. I would have caused the defect by taking the medication and failing to prevent the pregnancy. I would have been required by the laws of the state and the beliefs of others to wait till I had the baby and to bear the insane cost of trying to keep the baby alive as long as possible with all kinds of medical intervention. Again the cost to society would have been huge and the cost to me may have been more than Carlos and Sofia and I could bear. This is the kind of situation people in Dr Tillers office found themselves in, no good choices just less horrible choices. Removing the least horrible option from them is not compassionate or just or charitable of loving or moral in my view.  It honestly none of our godamned business.

Luckily the ultrasound was normal and in fact the medication that I am taking has never by itself been found to cause any defects but there are no good studies of course so they just have to scare the crap out of you with bad science. But the experience and stress of being faced with the possible outcomes has made this pregnancy dificult and I could not really celebrate Juan Diego till i knew that he was okay. Till I knew I would not have to make that choice. But I will be damned if I was going to let anyone else make that choice for me and I was able to make it because:

this pregnancy is viable
this fetus is healthy
this mother is healthy
this father is willing
this family is supportive
this has the resources to raise a child
and this baby will be loved and cared for

and that is a choice I can live with
I don't really expect to be able to debate about this but if you don't know why people do something you can't really have a conversation about it. So here I am. i have had multiple abortions. I am stand by my choices. i believe that society is better off for my choices. They were not choices that I wanted to make but they were the least of the bad options that Life gave me.  I am a mother of two. I am not a baby killer. I am a sinner like all of us, but my sins are mine because of my God given free will. Life began many millions of years ago and will continue through us and beyond us. We only control a tiny part of it, but that part is ours to control or not as we are able. That is was makes us human.
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reinaness

May 2015

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